My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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