hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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