Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize