I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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