So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
