you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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