I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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