I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
