Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
