Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
