My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
