So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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