apparently the secret to your success is patron
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
