you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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