so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize