the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
