I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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