I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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