checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
