So drunk its hurt
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
