he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
