My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
