After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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