I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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