Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize