that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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