Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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