True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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