why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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