Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
