Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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