Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
