Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
