i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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