mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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