I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dignity is for republicans.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
