Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
