You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
