Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
