Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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