I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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