I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
