Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
