Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
