people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
