Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
