By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
