Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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