benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
