i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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