Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
