I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
