the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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