I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
