she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
